one year

Well, I did it. I made it through the first year. Do I feel any different....no.

I actually felt so apprehensive about the date that I had these horrible mood swings and could not sleep. My poor kids, friends, and family that had to be around me bore the brunt of these. So, for that I have sincerely apologized and thankfully they have forgiven me. :)

I have made the decision to mentally "pull up the big girl panties" and move on. I can't make any guarantees that I won't have bad days, though...and I believe that's ok.

changes

Today I feel as if I'm trying to swim up a stream and not getting anywhere except pulled backwards to a giant waterfall. I liken that waterfall to the one year anniversary of my Hubby's death. No matter how busy I stay, how many vacations I take, it keeps getting closer and closer. What happens after that? Is there going to be another change? How am I going to feel? How should I feel?
I have been so up and down emotionally in this past week, not realizing why at first. So after putting my kids on edge from being so grouchy it dawns on me that I'm not sure if I'm ready for the next part of my life. Is a person ever really ready for their life to change?

another sleepless night

As I lay here waiting for the Nyquil to kick in, my mind is going at full speed. In it I have already planned out what I have to do tomorrow, what I want to have done to my home, how I want the landscaping to look, and the fact that I never had the chance to mourn for my Grandma Stella who passed away in January of 2009. At the time I was so busy with Jeremy being sick that I never got to say goodbye to her or really take the time to grieve. Can you believe that a person can have all these varied thoughts and emotions after midnight?! So here I am crying and wondering why this has come about now. It's crazy how the mind will just take over and not allow a body to rest. C'mon Nyquil...anytime now. :)

roller coaster

It'll be a year on the 25th that I've been a widow. Feels as if I've been on this crazy roller coaster ride where I'm not ever ready for the sudden drops and there's always twists and turns with barely any time to catch my breath. I live for those days of nothingness, no demands, no deadlines, just time at home with my children. All too quickly that is taken away and replaced with work, school, meetings, parties...life goes on and without luxury of choice to just slow down. So as long as I'm on this ride, I will try and take no moment for granted. I suggest everyone do the same--you never know when it might end.

survivor's guilt

Survivor's guilt is most often the crippling part of grief. What could I have done different? If only I'd done this, if only I had done that, then maybe I could have saved him. These thoughts, no matter what I do, always slip into my mind. It is a daily battle within myself, the only reassurance that keeps me functioning is knowing that GOD's WILL shall AlWAYS be done. I take heart in the fact that GOD has a plan for my life and that of my children's lives. THAT is what helps me sleep at night and wake in the morning....well, that and maybe some Nyquil or Benadryl as a quick fix. LOL.
I am a survivor.

grief

Someone once told me that grief was like the ocean, in that it comes in waves.

So true! I have days/weeks that are sometimes overwhelmed w/ memories, triggered by things like catching his smiling face in a picture out of the corner of my eye or that grin my son gives me when he's up to something ornery (just the way his Father did). Then, I will have days/weeks that keep me busy and my mind on the task at hand and not what's missing in my life.

I know it's also been said that "time heals", and it does. But, there is a scar on my heart that I will have for the remainder of my time on this Earth...the loss of my Jeremy. I get through each day thanking GOD for the time I had w/ that wonderful man(even the times I wanted to throttle him-LOL-there were plenty of those!).

when my life changed

Funny thing about life….it never works out the way you think it should. There are moments of total clarity when you realize this and no matter the situation there is fear. Sometimes a fear so great that it causes panic that may last a moment or, as in my case, two full days of all consuming anguish.

My life as I knew it at age 32 came to a complete halt on September 29, 2008 when they discovered tumors on my 32-year old husband’s liver. Three days later it was confirmed that these stemmed from a primary cancerous tumor growing in his colon. He was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer with mestasized tumors on his liver, sporadically in his abdomen, and to one lung. I flipped. I’m serious…..I totally freaked out…..and let me say it was not a pretty sight.

“What do you mean flipped? Did you cry, scream, vomit? What?” My response to people when they have enough guts to ask me about it is, “all the above”. Two full days of alternating between these….boy, was I a mess! My thoughts raced constantly from snippets of good and bad memories to the what-if’s that the word “cancer” does to anyone. And sleep? Ha, that was not a luxury I could partake of.

Let me give you a brief rundown of our life. I met my future husband, Jeremy Smith, back in 1995 after having moved home to Missouri from a one-year stint as a nanny in a suburb of Boston. We were introduced by mutual friends and hit it off right away. He was a lead singer in a country/southern rock band, and no, I was not a groupie but I did become his biggest fan and later his wife on June 7, 1997.

My name is Cheri Maulsby-Smith. For those people that don’t know me, I am not a patient person and when I set my mind on something I get what I want. So, when I decided that I wanted children we didn’t wait. On March 27, 1998 I gave birth to beautiful 3-week premature baby girls. No, that was not a misprint I used the plural form of girls. Twins….which was a shock to my husband considering he was a twin, also.

Life is never easy for a young couple starting out but, throw in two babies, a band, long hours of work? I’m surprised we made it! Don’t get me wrong we fought, separated, said a lot of bad things, but never gave up. We even had another child on December 2, 2002. Cute little guy with dark red hair and big blue eyes, just like his father’s. Thinking our life was going in a good direction we purchased a bigger home in January of 2008 when Jeremy took on a career change working on locomotives for a local railroad. He had found his dream job, well, second only to his music.

It was when Jeremy would come home exhausted complaining of feeling as if he had the flu that I began the nagging. But, would he willingly go the doctor? No. Mind you, he was working long hours on his feet, being on-call, and doing a lot of heavy lifting so we didn’t get too concerned. Just after his 6-month probation I had a gall bladder attack that sent me to the emergency room, confirming later I had gallstones. Thinking maybe that this might be his problem I made an appointment for him to have an ultrasound. That brings us back to that fateful day in September that changed our life forever.